It’s such an incredibly long striving

If I haven’t actually experienced it, I can’t believe this would occur to me—I have been striving for so long and still haven’t completely reached my aim. In retrospect, I felt like experiencing continual storms along the journey—I felt overwhelming hardship so that I was often worried that I may lose the momentum to continue striving in such a dismal surrounding without anybody to cheer me.

During this long period, the only visible achievement I have accomplished is that I have made my paper about quadratic spinor Lagrangian formulation published; others are all efforts in the dark. After publishing it, I turned my major attention to seeking position without attempting to publish the other. Little did I imagine this is another strenuous struggle after the prolonged one of prompting Nester to review my papers for publication without gain. I browsed scads of publications to try to identify principal investigators with research themes adapted to my research interests to contact and applied for open positions, during which I expanded my research interests again and again in the hope of opening more possibilities seeing the intrinsic matches seem too few to get an opportunity. I tried to find the glimmer of hope from time to time.

Now it’s so rare a chance that prof. Sitarz is willing to discuss research topics with me. So will they admit me? The additional round of admission will open several hours ahead. I just checked the schedule, feeling a little anxious. They put 20 candidates in rank in the result of previous round, which has 15 places. I wonder how many places this round will offer, which has not been shown.

During the recent weeks, I have checked the research of other Polish universities and the three researchers in Canada the French researcher Dr. Speziale introduced to me. I don’t think I see a better choice, so haven’t actually reached any of them. I originally felt loop quantum gravity and the spinor formulation of it, as what is engaged by the French researcher and those three researchers in Canada, may be an interesting theme to work on, but after browsing the publications of those three researchers, I am not sure whether I really like the quantization of spacetime by spin foams and how to embed the constraints of them; this seems a little tedious. Also, I don’t know when Canadian universities accept PhD applications and whether extra trouble will be encountered. After prof. Sitarz asked me to suggest research topics, I started to feel finding the research themes I intrinsically want to research into may be a key. There are so many research themes engaged by principal investigators I come across to check and I may find more as I check further; some of them look more interesting than others and I can’t judge whether some are interesting to research into probably due to lack of related knowledge, but it’s impossible for me to study so many in order to judge.

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The anguish of being in the quagmire for an eon

How can such a disaster happen to me? I have been in this quagmire for an eon. The anguish resulting from it is ineffable. Here I can’t access any peer’s help. I am like in a desolate island where no recourse is available. I disappear from the science community for so long. Why haven’t people from the community sought me?

I hope I am not too far away from my PhD position. I have checked all German universities providing PhD programs in physics. I have identified several researchers to seek. But I still need some time to read and check their papers.

It takes me a long time to reach this stage. I groped in this desolate island alone for long. In the beginning, probably when crossing from 2010 to 2011, I originally planned to engage in string compactification or string/gauge duality. The two themes are completely new to me. I at most just know some math techniques employed in them. I spent around 1 year studying the introduction to string theory, from Oct. 2010, when I applied for a Hamburg  position for string compactification, to Nov. 2011, when Prof. Yeung suggested me to seek Queng. Then I started to make final checking of my papers in ready for submission, after which I read Queng’s papers. Until mid-2012, when I received the referee reports for my papers, I started to read material related to referees’ questions in the reports. Following it I also continued to seek research projects and in August 2012 I first saw the new theme asymptotically safe gravity in Mainz.  I spent a lot of time studying it, probably until November 2012, then I checked several universities which have research themes interesting me for the first time, Jena, Köln, Oldenburg, Leipzig, FAU. It’s incredible previously I didn’t check them at all. In addition, I also checked King’s College London, which is that Canadian suggested in Nov. 2011, but didn’t find themes ideal enough.

The checking paused in April, when I thought it’s time Nester expected to finish revising my papers, so I stopped to review the referees’ questions again. I considered I could finish this very soon. Little did I predict I seemed to fall into the quagmire of puzzles which I met one after another, including Lie derivative and Gauss-Bonnet theorem. Thus I can’t resume to check research projects until August.

But then I have forgot the details of the research projects I checked earlier that year so it took me some time to review. This time I got the idea of posting the research projects on Facebook so that I can track my progress easily. Previously I kept records of the projects I have checked on Word or LaTeX but I don’t know why I spent so much time but still couldn’t finish the checking of all German universities having PhD programs in physics. I had several versions due to the breakdown of the old computer and shift to the new computer in Mar. 2012.

I checked all physics research projects in German this time because the memory of those I have checked even before I bought the new computer have been blurred. Though I didn’t find new projects interesting me this time, I identified some interesting papers and determined to shift the projects to engage in on Oct. 25. I found in Hamburg there is a professor who engages in research of Higgs mechanism for gravity. I read the related papers and found this is really a project not only interesting me but also more suitable than string compactification or string/gauge duality to me for the latter still escapes my grasp even after I studied its technique to try to understand it for so long. Following it I saw Warsaw in Poland has quantization of teleparallel theory and Loop Quantum Gravity. I am not sure if they are good candidates for me even now I am checking FAU, which seems to focus on Loop Quantum Gravity. Afterwards I saw Göttingen has a visiting professor having paper spontaneous symmetry breaking for gravity, which I put in my consideration list. Other candidates in my list include Munchen’s Higgs for graviton and Gravity with de Sitter and Unitary Tangent Groups, Leipzig’s group theory approach, Heidelberg’s spinor gravity, Köln’s canonical quantization. Now I am checking FAU’s Loop Quantum Gravity, still trying to understand to consider.

Seeking suitable projects among such a great number of universities is really a hard task. Previously I sought USA, which is even a more spacious sea. The main difficulty I encountered is that there are too many projects in gravitational theories and quantum field theory which I don’t have sufficient knowledge to determine whether suitable to me. And too many universities often make me fail to remember which one has been checked. As for the theme problem, I finally determined to take milder theories for quantum gravity as my target for the technique of radical theory of quantum gravity still baffles me now. As for the too spacious sea problem, I record the projects I have checked in Word, Facebook Post and Note. Eventually there are only so small number of German universities being sifted to have the projects falling into my candidates after so much time has been consumed. What a low rate of reward to pay! During this long period of checking, there is no peer to share with it at all. I wonder if anybody has encountered the same experience and how others seek suitable PhD programs in such a spacious sea whose contents are not clear to them.

I sought projects in Germany since mid-2010. In the process, I experienced the hindrance of my computer breakdown and the distress of prompting Nester to review my papers. Now on the one hand I am going to finish the search after settling down the target themes; on the other hand Nester seems to have actually revised my papers. I hope I can initiate the approach to the target researchers soon without too tricky obstacles and start my PhD study soon.

 

 

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Little did I imagine Nester is such a person so difficult to cope with

On Feb. 7 afternoon I eventually can’t help to check my e-mail box. I found Nester sent me a brief message on Jan. 10 saying he got a bad cold the past week and noting that was not a reply of my note, which will be sent in another future occasion. Then I tried to search his mail on the following days but didn’t find any. He used such a short brief message to evade replying my mail containing many points.

I immediately wrote him a brief note asking him if he had recovered from that bad cold and can focus on our papers. I asked him which parts of referee’s reports he wants to take care of and which parts he plans to ignore. I gave him the summary of the referee reports attached with my comments on Nov. 8 but kept not seeing his reply about this. He just said CQG will take our submission as a new submission and we only need to remove the flaws the reports noted while remaining unchanged the parts we think ok. As for the detail, he kept not revealing.

The following days I checked my e-mail box every day but kept not seeing his reply. Panic attacks me again. Will he keep me suspended again? Do I really need to finish the papers independently? Recently I saw some professors’ researches I am interested in and consider to contact with them. When on earth can I put the two papers in my publication column? Or can I get admission without the publications? But since I have spent so much time in writing the papers and what remains is just the final finish, why not finish them soon for submission? If Nester doesn’t help, who else can I have recourse to? These ideas keep haunting me. On Feb. 11 I was tormented by thinking about these ideas repetitively with headache on the bed. I got sick again. I think it’s perhaps due to the deficiency of food and the desolate atmosphere which leads to my depression in the period of lunar new year. I felt blue on Feb. 10 and didn’t went to bed until around 4 o’clock, then I started to feel uncomfortable in my gut the other day. I had diarrhea in the afternoon then started to feel weakness and headache after eating in the night. Lunar new year is never my festival and always brings me catastrophes. I tried to keep happy and tell myself to pretend the festival doesn’t come. The eve day (Feb. 9) I went to the night market and upon entering it I saw a vendor selling wrist watches each costing 80 NTD. I immersed in picking those watches and forgot the new year temporarily. Then I found the night market was full of people like the usual. And at 12 o’clock, I didn’t hear the thunderous firecracker sound as the past years. I contemplated it’s not that bad because there wasn’t much aura of lunar new year. These days I ate in conveience stores or the night market. There were still people alone eating. Do they feel depressed and abominate the lunar new year festival? Do they feel the festival torturing? It’s really a festival for familyful people to exhaust their selfishness and contrast the loneliness of the familyless people. Even not seeing much atmosphere as I expected for the lunar new year, I still couldn’t help to feel depressed. I have contemplated whether this is a must and whether I can escape from the distressful situation in the future by not suffering from this festival’s desolation anymore. Why doesn’t Nester do me a favor by finishing the paper revision soon? This should not be a difficult thing to him.

On Feb. 10 I registered a Facebook account by my yahoo virtual account, which only contains people from chatrooms. It endlessly shows people it considers potentially connected if I use the function of seeking friends. All people in this account are what I have never seen and am not familiar with. How could I find any old friends through it? I just tried to use this virtual account to see what Facebook can do. And when I pressed the button of connecting the Microsoft through Facebook in my Hotmail, it connected me to the Facebook registered by that Yahoo. Can one only register a Facebook account by a computer ID? I think I really need to get some friends. Being in a personless world is really an anguish. But I don’t hope my old unfamiliar friends know my shameful positionless circumstance. I just want to get some friends who can help me with the publications and PhD applications. Getting such a person seems to be impossible outside school.

Just when I was writing this, Nester sent me the mail (9:13 P.M. Feb. 12). The mail I expected always arrived in a surprising way. I wrote a mail at 6:07 P.M. to Nester’s Hotmail box after losing patience and considering he wouldn’t reply me in the desolate festival. It seems during the festival people all disappear from Hotmail and Messenger. But Nester is an American and shouldn’t have this culture. Eventually he sent me the mail. Having his message really mitigates my despair feeling though he said he can’t be back to revise my papers until March. He said this month he needs to finish English refinements for the Chinese journal for physics, prepare his lecture for a Korean workshop, two conference proceedings and the final report for his last NSC project. He said he didn’t give anyone else priority over my work except for two NTU students who are drafting a paper including his name for their many discussions. He said at the end of April he needed to finish two things, one being moving out from his NCU house and the other being submitting his PhD students’ papers. He said if our papers still can’t be finished by then, in May, June, July, August he will be quite free from other obligations. Gosh, he always includes a bunch of things which obstruct him from revising my papers currently and tells me a time not too far from now when he can start to focus on our works. If when that time arrives he can really work on my papers persistently, that would be fine. I am afraid some accidental hinderance may occur to him upon that time.

On the other hand, he mentioned he has been a visiting scholar since this month in Sinica for three months followed by several months of stay in a private research foundation. He said he needs to look for a full-salary job like young people because his retirement package is not adequate for him and his family. That makes me think actually everybody should have a position, no matter whether for financial purpose, especially for us, the academic undertakers, otherwise it’s really difficult to get peers to interact in an ordinary community. I should really get a position soon. In the past years I was a little regressive for this matter. Instead I spent extensive time periods in studying some issues. Let me hark back to it. In around June or July 2010, I started to look for German PhD opportunities. I applied for a position in the project “Mathematical Aspects of String Compactification” provided by Siebert in Hamburg University, which seemed to be a propitious university. But I was rejected because he said other applicants’ backgrounds are more suitable for his project. I spent the first half of 2010 in writing that monograph and the two papers and the second half of 201o in looking for German PhD positions. I keep expecting to try my best to apply for those announced open positions rather than asking for possible positions. I found there are not many announcements of open positions in the fields I wish to do my PhD. And I found to understand the research contents of a field in a level sufficient to judge if I am so interested in it that it is suitable for my PhD is really a time-consuming thing. I keep being baffled by unfamiliar technical knowledge which is needed to sufficiently understand the research fields. Trying to understand these technical knowledge really takes much time. In addition to Hamburg, I found another announced position in Einstein institute for gravity in Dec. 2010. This position has no deadline but reviews application every certain period of time. I considered to apply for it after the two papers are published so that they can be put in the publication column. But little did I predict waiting for two years since then still can’t see them published. It’s like since October of 2010 I started to print that introductory book for string theory and some related materials for reading. In the following in May 2011 I found Hanover had a position for the project Analysis, Geometry, and String and applied for it though I am not so sure if the research theme is suitable for me perhaps due to deficiency of related knowledge. That application was rejected very soon. Since then I didn’t apply for any. I kept not finding announced positions in suitable fields, which mean string compactifications or what are related. Since July 2011 my notebook computer started to have problems, which deteriorated incrementally until complete bust. I sent it for repair in Dec. and determined to give it up due to its too high repair fee. Until I bought a new computer on Mar. 1, 2012, I didn’t dedicate much to PhD seeking or didn’t have much harvest. During this period, I didn’t find new research projects or topics adapted to my interest. I dedicated to revising the two papers as well as reading Queng’s papers and some related textbook knowledge, including Higgs mechanism and reviewing some knowledge of undergraduate quantum physics, in this interval. I started to have harvest in PhD search perhaps since August, when I found Asymptotic Safe Quantum Gravity in Mainz, that took me a lot of time and occupied me perhaps until Nov.

 

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I am really weary

Who can understand my weariness? Being in the world where nobody can understand my business and discuss with about it is really a weary thing. Who can understand my fatigue of prompting Nester? I have waited for his revision of my papers for three years, yet he hoped I can keep patient with him.

I have sent a mail articulating my purpose of having the two papers published. I hope this letter can motive him to finish revising my papers soon. I get so weary of his persistent delay. I don’t know who can tolerate such a long delay of career. This time I got a new catch from Nester’s letter on Dec. 25. He mentioned that Dr. So has troubles finding a job and wants him to finish their remaining works. I immediately wonder why he couldn’t help me with the publications for so long to facilitate my job seeking. Will he give the priority to the publication of his joint work with Dr. So rather than to mine? One of the excuses Nester took to delay revising my papers last summer is he needs to finish his joint work with Dr. So before Dr. So left Taiwan in the end of July. Now I think he shouldn’t take my works as less priority than Dr. So’s again. When I told him my publications are for my career purpose, he illustrated a dozen of his students who can get a safe academic job without publication. Did he do that to Dr. So as an excuse to delay their joint work?

I told Alexander this shortly after I read Nester’s mail on Nov. 25. And Alexander gave me a new speculation for the reason of Nester’s delaying my papers. He considered I didn’t clarify my scientific goal sufficiently transparently so that Nester always took his other students’ publications as higher priority than mine. I contemplated this idea for some times and felt what he said makes sense. Then I determined to write a mail to reassure my goal and clear up all possible misunderstandings I can think of. The mail was sent on Jan. 1 night. I hope it is an effective letter to persuade him to carry out my papers soon. Every time before I sent him a mail of this kind, I always experience much struggle with the uncertainty between what should be written and what shouldn’t.

I had written him such a mail for earnest persuasion two times, the first one being in the end of 2010, when I had prompted him for one year but still can’t see any of his progress, and the second one being in the end of 2011, when I saw he still couldn’t finish the works for another year. The first one, which I called my petition, pushed him into making a small progress in Feb. and Mar. of 2011–he pointed out one mistake of my alternative boundary expressions, that is, only real expressions are acceptable. He sorted out a concise formula encapsulating all possible expressions. Together with the suggested title change and the abstract for Witten’s, this was the only progress he showed me during the whole review period I waited for. The second one pointed out his unwilling to schedule concretely for my works but expecting to have extra time among his crowded regular schedules; this one, like the first one, asked him to make only critical revisions if he can’t make time then submit soon; in addition, it also implied I would submit without waiting for his revisions if he didn’t do so. He didn’t reply me this mail for almost one month then I submitted on Dec. 30, 2011. Little did I predict one year later I am still worrying about this thing.

On Oct. 21, he replied my mail by saying he originally planned to engage in dealing with my papers in Aug. and Sep. but he spent most of time in studying that paper about realizing the parity conditions so that he couldn’t finish the revisions during that two months and he had too many obligations in Oct. and expected the situation would be better next month. Hearing these words I could surmise he wouldn’t have time the coming month. Indeed I wrote several mails including the summary of the referees’ reports plus my comments in Nov. to ask him to make the revisions just to reflect the referees’ reports then submit but he didn’t reply me any until Dec. 25, several days just before when I asked him if he read my mails by Messenger and e-mail. And in this mail, as the previous response mails, he told me how swamped he was in Nov. This kind of mails is what I am afraid to read the most. How could I, in a more helpless circumstance, cope with a recourse who tells me his difficulty with helping me?

I have experienced the apprehension for reading his response mails innumerable times. Every time after I write a mail containing some rationales for needing to have the papers published soon to prompt him, I am apprehensive of reading his response, especially when it includes my individual career need. Last time I didn’t mention my career need at all; I just mentioned that the resubmission can’t be delayed further lest the previous submission and its referee report be sunk into oblivion. Even so, I still suffered from apprehension. In Dec. before I checked my mail box, I dreamt of the scenarios of going to beg him to review my papers for consecutive three days. Now I suffer from the anguish again. After some abeyance it’s time to check my mail box. But what emotional impact will I confront with? Maybe he didn’t reply my mail again. Maybe he replied with some excuses again or claiming some contrary arguments. Is there anybody or anything which can give me the peace of mind? Or, like what I planned during my last period of apprehension, I just revise as best as I could without regarding his unfavorable response and submit them myself again? If I can be this way and deal with the publication myself without his help until the end, I can be spared from the possible emotional perturbation. I have ruminated upon the idea several times. It’s a challengeable way to rescue me from the distress, which I really want to end. Very possibly it will require me to contend solo against the referees all the way long based on the desolate environment I am surrounded with now.  

Recalling my last apprehension, when I didn’t check my mail box until Dec. 21, I didn’t find his mail among a bunch of mails, which included the notice letters of the Dec. 29 seminar in honor of him for his 70 birthday plus retirement and Alexander’s brief mails interspersed every several days. I read these mail with disappointment, contemplating how I could have the mood to attend the seminar and feeling gratified there is still Alexander concerning about me in the immense desert. 

The apprisal of that seminar in that moment really brought me some emotional contradictions. In one respect, I felt the task of my joint work with Nester has not been finished and it’s not the time for me to be ready to attend such a finalization occasion. I saw the speaker list includes Nester’s former students having finished their PhD and got positions somewhere. The organizers seem to be Chen and Yu-Wei. Chen said the seminar is focused on the talks given by Nester’s formal students who are still working with Nester and in Taiwan now. He listed these people and included those who are not in Taiwan, Tung and So. Am I working with Nester and in Taiwan now?  He didn’t include me in the list. I am like an underground student of Nester now because I don’t hold a position. My protracted waiting for Nester’s reviewing my papers with the positionless status has frustrated me much. His exclusion of me lets me down further. As well as harking back to his unwilling to write a helpful recommendation letter for me when I applied for a position in Hannover, I made up my mind not to join that seminar. That’s an occasion for those succeeders, not me. I should not appear in front of them to deject myself further. In another respect, this seminar may provide me a chance for me to review the congenial atmosphere I experienced in Nester’s 60 birthday seminar. I had a good time in that seminar and yearned for reminiscing those wistful memories. That time that group was like a family I belonged to.  The current seminar should mimic the style of the old one though the scale would not be as large because many former fellows had scattered. It should be a reunion of these old people and the celebration of their achievements if it is a successful one. But for me obviously it can’t be. I have not had my PhD, I am positionless, and even my papers have not been published after suspension of three years. In addition, the breakup of the friendship between Commander and I makes me unable to view this group as perfect as when I attended the old seminar. I wonder if Commander, who committed much to the organization of Nester’s 60 birthday seminar, would attend this seminar.

Seeing Nester didn’t reply my mail over one month and seemed to plan to leave me alone dealing with the paper business, I had determined not to attend that seminar. I told Alexander Nester bullied me but can still had a seminar in honor of him and what if that seminar was delayed like the way he delayed my papers. But my receiving his response mail, unsure if it’s Yu-Wei helping me ask him, on Dec. 25 swayed my determination. As usual, he included a multitude of things which overwhelmed him. Besides, he embedded a short passage telling me his finding some technical inconsistencies in the spinor formulations in his recent lecture to show me that he hadn’t forgot my papers in his overwhelmed status. And he emphasized he really wants to do it right but just can’t tell me when. He said the same to Prof. Yueng, who I resorted to prompt Nester, in Oct, 2011, more than one year ago. And he hopes I can keep patient with him. How could I keep patient with him? Can his other students endure such a delay for career but still keep patient? Every time I see the column of publications in a position application form or such item requirement, I feel frustrated over when I can fill my papers in the column. Perhaps he didn’t know I am still in positionlessness, which really inflicts me inexpressible anguish. So I just told him this and hope he can understand clearly the reason of my craving the publication of the two papers.

After some consideration and hesitation, I still determined I shouldn’t attend that seminar, which shouldn’t be held until at least my papers are published. Alexander suggested me to attend it two days prior to the seminar and give Nester wish. Alexander just knows to suggest me to do this and that without realizing the emotional impact on me of doing those, as I described above. He said I should realize human is not a machine and the brain needs nourishment to work well. I want to reply him that just because I am a human instead of a machine, I have sentiments and need emotional prop. He is never willing to spend time companying me to give me the spiritual strength. I have given up taking him as a sincere friend and won’t go to his room anymore. The process of hesitation bathed me in the bout of emotional contradiction, which let me perceive I still have the capability to be stimulated sentiments. I considered I had lost it after being marooned to the desert for so long.  

On the day of his seminar, I chose to give me a lull from my regular research-seeking business. Waking up in the afternoon, I went to the Wellcome community to eat then shopped in the underground street buying three underpants. Then after having a bowl of shaved ice in the night market, I went to the 101 area. I passed around the City Government Hall, the announcement on which assured me this is just the field the new year festival would be held two days later. I lied down on a chair in the Government Hall plaza to enjoy the warm wind. Before I closed the eyes, I can still see the moon and several stars. After I opened my eyes, I saw the sky became cloudy. Then I went into some shopping centers and browsed the food in the supermarket. I felt a little hungry but had no good idea of what to eat because all food in the neighborhood seems to be very expensive. Just when I got the idea of going to the Wu-Sin community to eat, the rain hit. I felt a little cold too. Recalling the hot weather in the afternoon which made me even peel off my overcoat and one sweater let me wonder the caprice of the weather. With my broken shoes and the lack of an umbrella, I really had difficulty progressing. Eventually I determined to enter a computer shop and stay there until the rain abated. I found a camera on a computer which can change one’s face into a frog, an alien, etc. After playing it for some time, I entered the adjoined computer shop, where I found a computer is accessible to the internet. I logged in e-buddy and saw the junior’s message. I felt happy to see his response so soon and replied him immediately. After staying there for an extensive period of time, the rain stopped. I set off for the Wu-Sin community with my bedraggled shoes for a bowl of noodles and a dish of kelp filaments. Such a day for lull was not that bad, I contemplated, though I chose not to attend that seminar, which may bring me embarrassment if I had gone to. The main reason I felt the day was not bad is perhaps due to the junior’s message. He asked me if I myself was doing some research, what good physics books I know to introduce to him, as well as whether I like nice food to go to eat with him. This proves that the life needs buddies’ entrance to feel happy.

Let the junior be my caravan in this desert until I depart from it. I really desperately need such a company now. Nester, don’t torture me. I am in the desert struggling for long. Grant aid to me by finishing revising the papers soon.  

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Exact forms, closed forms and de Rham Theorem

Recently I reviewed some knowledge about topology in the book The Geometry of Physics-An Introduction by Theodore Frankel, contemplating a lot and having some understandings or speculations. What about exact forms and closed forms perplexed me. The definition of them seems to be involved with the topological strecture of the manifold they are defined. And de Rham’s theorem intrigued me much. After this review, I understand them deeper and find some new problems at the same time. I will note them in the following paragraphs.

Corollary (5.4) says If α is a (continuously differentiable) 1-form whose integral over all closed curves on Mn vanishes, then ß is exact. I deem this principle can be generalized to a p-form, that is if  ß is a continuously differentiable p-form whose integral over all p-cycles on Mn vanishes, then ß is exact. Furthermore I deem this generalization can be separated into two procedures, closedness then exactness: First, if ß is a continuously differentiable p-form whose integral over the p-cycles which bounds on Mn vanishes, then ß is closed. Second, if this closed form ß whose integral over the remaining p-cycles on Mn vanishes, then ß is exact. If the p-th Betti number of Mn doesn’t vanish, then the remaining p-cycles are the linear combinations of the basis p-cycles of the p-th homology group. If the p-th Betti number of Mn vanishes, then there are not remaining p-cycles; in this case, if ß is closed, it must be exact.

Among the analysis in the former paragraph, several principles are involved. In the first place, in Section 5.2 Closed Forms and Exact Forms, it describes two observations: First, The integral of an exact form over an orientable closed manifold (i.e., compact without boundary) is 0; Second, The integral of a closed form over the boundary of an oriented compact manifold is 0. I deem their converses (the generalized version—consider all cycles on a manifold M) are If the integral of a continuously differentiable p-form ß over all p-cycles on M vanishes, then ß is exact (This is the generalized version of Corollary (5.4))[The argument underlying it is: the boundary of any p-cycle is 0, then if there is a p-1 form κ such that ß=dκ, Stokes’s theorem dictates ∫zpß=∫∂zpκ=0, which is satisfied only when ∫Mß=0.]; and If the integral of a continuously differentiable p-form ß over all bounding p-cycles on M vanishes, then ß is closed[The argument underlying it is: if dß=0, then Stokes’s theorem dictates ∫zpß=∫Cp+1dß=0, which is satisfied only when ∫zpß=0, where zp is the boundary of cp+1.]. Then there is a tricky place for the case p=n. If M is closed, then M must not bound because the manifold it bounds must be of dimension n+1 but n has been the largest dimension. Then if the integral of a continuously differentiable n-form β over M vanishes, then β is exact because M is the only n-cycle on M. And an exact form must be closed. There are no bounding n-cycles on M to test if β is closed but we still know it is closed because dß=0 for dß is an n+1 form, which must be 0 on a n-manifold. So in this case though there is no bounding cycle, we can still use other way to judge if a form is closed. Then let’s turn to the case when M is not closed. In this case, we know ß is closed by the same argument as the previous case. Is ß exact? We want to know if there is a n-1 form κ such that ß=dκ. But there is no n-cycle on M, so we can’t use the vanishing integral value to ensure the existence of κ. So we may need other way to check if κ exists. In the second place, Theorem (5.3) says If M is a manifold with first Betti number 0, then every closed 1-form α on M is exact.  I think it can be generalized to Every closed p-form on M whose p-th Betti number is 0 is exact. This is involved in the final sentence of the last paragraph.

Then let us come to de Rham’s Theorem, which is involved in the sentence before the final one of the second paragraph. RP, the de Rham vector space, is the collection of equivalence classes of closed p-forms on M. HP, the p-th homology group, is the collection of equivalence classes of p-cycles on M. Associated with a representative p-form β from a certain de Rham class, we can define a linear functional I: RPHP(M,R) by I(ß)(z)=∫z ß, where z is a representative p-cycle from a certain homology class and HP is the dual vector space of HP and is called the p-th cohomology vector space. The integral value is inependent of the representatives from their respective classes because the integral of a closed p-form over a bounding p-cycle vanishes and the integral of an exact p-form over a p-cycle vanishes. When M is compact, HP being finite-dimensional, one can choose bp p-cycles on M, none of whose linear combinations is bounding, as the basis for HP, bp being the p-th Betti number, the dimension of HP, the number of classes in HP. I is an isomorphism: first, I is onto, that is if zp(1),…, zp(bp), is a p-cycle basis of HP, and π(i) are arbitrary bp real numbers, then there is a closed form ß in RP such that ∫zp(i) ß=π(i). Second, I is 1:1; that means if I(ß)(z)=∫z ß=0 for all cycles zp on M, then ß is exact. Because a finite-dimensional vector space has the same dimension as its dual space, dim HP= dim HP, and because I is an isomorphism, dim RP=dim HP=dim HP=bp. Thus one can choose bp closed p-forms, none of their linear combinations being exact, as the basis for RP. In the above, I deem one can view any bounding p-cycle and any excat p-form as some kind of 0-vector on HP  and RP, respectively. Then the integral of any ß over a bounding p-cycle must vanish; when input with a 0-vector, one should get the value no matter what functional ß is employed. And the integral of an exact p-form over any p-cycle should vanish (the converse of it is the explanation following 1:1; if all p-cycles in HP  are mapped to 0, then it can only be the case the functional defined by ß is a 0-vector; that is β is exact.); 0-functional must get the value 0 no matter what p-cycle is input.  Furthermore, that no linear combination of the bp basis p-cycles (p-forms) is bounding means no one p-cycle (p-form) among HP (RP) is equivalent to the linear combination of the other bp-1 p-cycles (p-forms). Also, the statement before the final one of the last paragraph can also be explained this way: Because the p-th Betti number of M vanishes, there are only bounding p-cycles on M, and because dim RP=bp=0, there must be only exact p-form in RP. Another explanation is in the end of the second paragraph: the norm for an (closed) exact p-form is its integral for all (bounding) p-cycles vanishes but for the case bp=0, there are only bounding p-cycles, thus closedness is also exactness.

The functional I resembles the vectors v and 1-forms on M, the spaces of them being dual to each other; given a specific 1-form α, input with a vector gives a value; the functional α(v) is an isomorphism. On a manifold of n-dimension M, given n basis vectors e1,…,en, if τi are arbitrary n numbers, then there is a 1-form α on M such that α(ei)=τi , i=1,…,n; there are n equations for n variables, n components of α, so they must be able to be determined uniquely. That means α(v) is onto. If α(v)=0 for any v, then α=0 (all components of α vanish). This means α(v) is 1:1. Let’s advance to the p-form ß on M. The functional β(v(1),…,v(p)) defines an isomorphism, too, among which v(1),…,v(p)  are p linear independent vectors on M. Given cnp arbitrary numbers λ(i) , i=1,…,cnp, there is a p-form ß such that ß(e(p))=λ(i), where e(p) denotes certain p basis vectors among e1,…,en. There are cnp sets of e(p). Again, there are cnp equations for cnp variables, the cnp components of ß, so they can be decided uniquely. That means  β(v(1),…,v(p)) is onto. And if β(v(1),…,v(p)) =0 for all sets of v(1),…,v(p), then β=0(all components of β vanish). This means β(v(1),…,v(p)) is 1:1. All these reasoning can be applied to de Rham’s theorem.  Let us summary as follows. A general closed p-form β in  RP must be able to be expanded in terms of bp basis closed p-forms in  RP, thus β having bp components. Thus the bp equations  ∫zp(i) ß=π(i), i=1,…,bp can determine bp components of β uniquely. What differ between the resemblance are 1. For de Rham’s theorem, we are restricted to closed p-forms and unbounding p-cycles, which leads the need to redefine the “o-vectors” for them, ie. taking exact p-forms and bounding p-cycles as “0-vectors”; in the case of its counterpart, we just take the usual 0-vector (its all components vanish) and the usual 0 form (all of its covariant components vanish); thus saying two cycles (closed forms) are equivalent to each other in de Rham’s theorem is the analogue of saying two vectors (two forms) are linear dependent; 2. The dimension for  RP and  HP are both bp while the dimension of the vector space for vectors on M and its dual 1-form space are both n and the dimension of the vector space for p-forms are  cnp and there are cnp  sets of p vectors. Therefore for the basis p-cycles on HP, we can define its dual basis closed p-forms on  RP such that I (μ(i))(zp(j))=∫zp(j)μ(i) ij , where μ(i), i=1,…,bp is the basis for RP and zp(j), j=1,…,bp is the basis for HP.

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The submission of papers and what follows

 After much struggle, I finally submitted the two papers, one on Dec. 30 morning and the other on Feb. 1. I adopted Nester’s suggestion to submit Witten’s first then QSL’s. But just after submitting Witten’s, some ideas came to my brain. I calculated to test my speculation and found something I didn’t find in the past. To guarantee the accuracy and acquire further understanding, I studied it for about two to three weeks and these results are related to both Witten’s and QSL’s. I think I should include the results in the papers. I want to add a brief section in Witten’s and QSL’s to present the ideas. I pressed the button of “resubmit” on the journal website and saw it says “if you are asked to modify the article, then you are certain to do so. If that is not the case, you’d better to do after we make the decision unless the modification is necessary.” And when advancing further, it asks the reason for modification. I don’t know if I should attach that brief section that moment so I didn’t progress further and retreat. That section doesn’t affect the full results of the paper but I think it should be added for the completeness of structural explanation and comparison.

What I found is if the torsion-free constraint is inserted, the three Hamiltonians by Witten’s approach for the angular momentum are equal. And if the coframe Clifform is put outside the covariant derivative, we can still get the desired volume term and boundary 2-form which contains the ADM term, but the variation of such a Hamiltonian would become very tedious–containing a lot of cumbersome terms which can’t be combined into neat terms as in the original three Hamiltonians though the Hamiltonian variation boundary 2-form can be manipulated to have a vanishing asymptotic integral. Further, I found the Witten Hamiltonian for angular momentum has the structure similar to the QSL Hamiltonian. H_2 bears the structure similar to the Hamiltonian derived directly from the QSL. Then, if the torsion-free constraint is inserted, like the way in Witten’s, the QSL Hamiltonian can be written in three ways like Witten’s case, and each of the three Hamiltonians has a correspondence in QSL’s. What is different between the correspondences is as follows: These quadratic spinor terms in QSL can be separated into two groups complex conjugate to each other. Because we want a different combination of Clifford algebra in Witten’s, one group needs to change sign. But in that way, the two groups are not complex conjugate to each other, so the imaginary number i is multiplied for rescue. Finally, when N slash is changed into X bold, the Witten Hamiltonian for angular momentum is arrived. And if the conframe Clifform is put outside the covariant derivative, the Hamiltonian variation is far more cumbersome than Witten’s case–containing far more terms which can’t be combined–because in this case N slash is also disintegrated for recombination.

 I addressed the finding to Nester on Jan. 11 and expected he can confirm my ideas before I submitted QSL. But he said he was too busy to do research recently and his brain would be very refreshing from Jan. 20 to Feb. 20 and he believed he would be particularly productive in research during that period of time. He said he will give a satisfying answer to my good question when he has time. On Jan. 20, he didn’t reply me. I examined the manuscript of QSL while in expectation for his response. I examined several times but still found disagreeable places. I experienced the annoying process of examining and correcting a manuscript again–no matter how many times the manuscript is examined, I can still find disagreeable places. Recalling during the two years of waiting Nester’s review, the manuscripts were examined and corrected innumerable times, but after some lulls I still found disagreeable places in the final examinations before submission. In a struggle for several days, I finally submitted it on Feb. 1 afternoon without getting Nester’s response. I have checked and contemplated in more detail those days and deem the calculation part of the ideas should not have errors.  

 I examined Witten’s whole night without sleeping and submitted perhaps around 9 or 10 o’clock on Dec. 30 morning then went to bed. The progress is: Jan. 2 board receipt, Jan. 6 original manuscript to referee, Jan. 26 manuscript for board level decision, Jan. 31 original manuscript to referee. In the early morning of Jan. 31, I chose the password and code to login my author homepage the first time. On Feb. 1 I ate breakfast in very early morning then examined QSL’s in detail until dinner time then submitted. I was very hungry so went to eat right away then sat in the 4th-floor seat of 101 building to sleep but was waken up by an annoying security guard. I felt too tired to walk after dinner and wanted to sleep for a short time before 101 closed, but not long that guard came to me. I was so tired that I felt asleep very soon when back home and the sleep lasted long; I even slept and was on the bed until the next day dawn. This late night or early morning next day I found a mistake in my manuscript then got online to check but found the manuscript number even had not been sent to me. This mistake made me a little frustrated–mistakes seem to be impossible to avoid. Then I didn’t get ideal sleep the following days and seemed to get a cold on Saturday so I took a rest whole day that day. I felt gradually better next day. I didn’t work much since submission. When I checked my mailbox on Feb. 5, I saw the number was sent to me on Feb.3, but the manuscript had not been sent to referee. I just saw the board receipt on Feb.1. It turns out submitting through Author Homepage would be received immediately. I checked on Feb. 7, finding it was the same. I checked it this early morning(Feb. 11), and saw original manuscript to referee on Feb.8.

Recalling in the end of 2009, I was so progressive for the Ph. D application and worked one thing after another without respite. Just after physics gre, I started to edit the papers and finished in three weeks. That time I just expected to catch up the application time. Little did I imagine they were submitted two years later. Now I seem not to be so progressive. After submission, I didn’t read Qeng’s papers, which I originally planned to read in the Chinese new year duration. I have not progressed toward next stage yet. I don’t go to bed and get up in correct times for long, so I can’t sleep in night time and can’t be awake in usual time to work efficiently. I am not satisfied with the void work since submission. I hope I can read the papers efficiently next week. And I wish to depart from the positionless status soon.

(Written on Feb. 11)

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I am going to submit my manuscripts

 I think it is really the time to submit the papers, wishing this action will bring me some joy of achievement. Recalling the time, energy and resource paid to them, it is irrational not to put them into fruition. But regretfully, I finished the drafts in the desert and even the professor who guided me to do the work initially for my master degree left me alone finally. I finished such a hard task solely; I even didn’t believe in my perseverance beforehand. 

 Just when I got the position in Sinica around November in 2007, Nester asked me about the idea of publishing my thesis and I replied him that is a good idea. Since then, I kept putting this thing in my mind. Actually when I graduated, I expected to do this thing. During that period of time I had some vocation interviews and the interviewers tended to ask me if my thesis was published. I did not get a vocation for over half a year and I was in pressing economic need. But Nester didn’t asked me to write the thesis in terms of papers and I was not sure whether that should be done. When I held a position in Sinica, I perceived gravitation and the spacetime geometry are my true interest—when I had chances to get touch with these materials, I felt they are memorable. I found I am not quite interested in applied science—I just took that position for the purpose of economic support and decent look. I just spent several months–perhaps half a year–completely committing to quantum calculation and related technical knowledge. Then I started to put part of my dedication in preparing for gre, probably since mid-2008. I took the exam the first time that fall. Then perhaps since the end of that year, I started to review the related knowledge of differential geometry, setting out to do the preparatory work for writing the papers. I didn’t get a satisfying score for gre, so I planned to take it again. Thus in 2009, I was extremely swamped, juggling preparing for gre, reviewing differential geometry, studying some materials to cope with Alec, and finally the work of studying undergraduate physics to prepare for gre subject joined my load. I set up Miktex and WinEdt and tested how to use it perhaps in September, 2009. Then I went back to prepare for gre, which seemed to be difficult to get a satisfying score under that short time constraint. I started to use my new notebook computer since post mid-October, perhaps Oct. 18, for the purpose of editing the papers. I didn’t want to go to Sinica again. Then after taking gre subject in November, I spent 3 weeks making a marathon effort to edit the papers, finishing at the end of November and sent to Nester in the beginning of December. I considered my arduous effort would be paid off soon. Little did I predict Nester took having too many obligations as the pretext to put aside my papers in the first half-year of 2010 until June. During the period of his procrastination, he kept telling me he really wants to do the enjoyable work of reviewing my papers, but he was just obstructed by the odious obligations he doesn’t want to do but needs to do. I believed in his words naively. Then he told me he would have far more free time than usual in the summer break to review my papers. I put my mind in relief, not asking him about the progress during the whole summer break and expecting he would send me the revised version of the papers he finished automatically. I waited and waited, originally expecting to get his mail after one month of the break, but I didn’t, then I anticipated until the second month and the third month passed…I still didn’t get any of his message…I can’t help to take initiative to send message through MSN to ask him if he finished the papers. He seemed not to know I was there waiting his review result day by day and told me it’s nice to hear from me again after so long time and asked me how my summer vacation was. I pretended to say fine. Then he told me he was just back from Canada with an unpeaceful summer. He said he felt happy to come back Taiwan for some works, such as putting a final finish to my papers. I didn’t know whether he actually had worked on my papers during the summer break, but I tried to believe in his going to put a final finish on them and summoned up my patience to continue waiting. When I visited him in October that year, he showed me he always carried my papers no matter where he went. I considered he really worked hard on them. 

 Until December, he can’t still give me any progress about his revisions. I can’t help to send him an imperative mail beseeching him to finish in 2 or 3 weeks. He replied he had been diligent that week and unfortunately he needed more time due to some other things, probably final-term exam and seminar. When I visited him before Chinese new year, he told me he would do the work during the festival instead of having any activity. Perhaps due to that weighty mail, he at last made some progress on my alternative expressions in March. Then he stopped again due to his religious festival and some other obstructions. To respond my prompt, he promised me to finish before the end of May at the time perhaps two weeks afar but failed by the excuse of needing to get his Ph.D students’ papers to publish to let them graduate. Then in July I wrote a petition mail to him, expecting him to finish at the end of July. He promised but failed again by a couple of excuses, going to some seminars, sending money to his wife, correcting English for Chinese Journal, etc. This time he said it is impossible for him to promise a deadline and all he can say is he won’t undertake any new research project nor correct old research papers until my papers are finished. He added he had some other things to do that summer and that gave him the incentive to finish my papers: the sooner he finishes the paper, the sooner he can do those things . He stressed these points several times to respond several of my prompts. Can these be a promise? Can a timeless promise be a real promise? Then summer passed, new semester came, fall befell and now is the frigid winter, but he still can’t give me any part of his revisions. When I told him this kind of long waiting is really a purgatory to me, he replied me knowing they are still incomplete is hell to him. In that mail, he told me he has not worked on my papers for a period of time due to too many things–which is not the pretext he used the first time, and he was going to southern Taiwan to attend a seminar that evening for two days. Is that really hell to him? If that is really hell to him, why did he delay them for that long but still have mood to go to some conference? I think that is really hell for me. Can he understand the hell I dwell now? Being positionless, no inhabitable house to live, no office to do research and enjoy the research resources, no peers to discuss physics and share life, no professor to be consulted and guide me research project, being incomeless, etc., I virtually live in a barren desert where even oases are rare. Furthermore, my notebook computer is crippled now and can’t be repaired for an acceptable price. This episode stripped one facility from my already-barren desert. I only mentioned the latter to him in my latest mail (sent on Dec. 3) to him. In that mail, I asked him to send the revisions he has finished to let me incorporate them with mine to put into fruition because I don’t think he will have time to finish them before long under the condition that he can’t set a concrete schedule for them. In the previous mail, he told me any of my suggestions will be taken for serious consideration, so I give him the above suggestion as the solution for us to escape from the hell. Until now he has not replied me that mail. I don’t think he wants to escape from the hell or basically he is not really in hell. Why is keeping my papers still unfinished hell to him? Does he get any penalty? All the penalties are administered on me, not him. 

 Recently I got the adjudication for that man taking my bag. He was sentenced to imprisonment for 5 months for taking my bag and another China woman’s bag plus labor jail of 50 days for insulting and tainting a public serviceman. Actually I feel that event doesn’t pose any damage to me. And if not reported to the police by others, I would forgive that man taking my bag and not report to the police. The penalty administered depends partly on the damage he did on the sufferer according to the adjudication. Even such an innocuous infraction can lead to a five-month imprisonment. Then how about what Nester did to me? He wasted me time of two years. During the two years, he promises me to finish revising my papers for submission but keeps using a lot of subterfuges to delay. Wasting me so long time renders a big loss for me. He wastes far more time than I managed to catch initially. My purpose of writing the two papers is to change my career course which keeps being astray and adverse since graduation and return to the field of my favorite theoretical physics. He is not considerate to me at all and let my effort unrequited. So what penalty should be administered to him if I sue him? Probably there is no such a law to punish him. So the jurisdiction is not quite fair. 

 Since I can’t sue him nor get any salutary outcome by strenuously prompting him, now all I can do is to put them into fruition by myself. I don’t want to be a scapegoat of him for his further delay anymore. I wish the procedure will be smooth.               

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I dreamt of getting a temporary position

 Last morning(Sep. 20) I woke up from a dream in which I got a temporary position by which I can teach in a small-scale elementary school. In my dream I felt gratified: I finally got a temporary position to dissemble what I am really engaged now wholeheartedly–looking for Ph.D programs. I feel I really need such a position which can offer me a lot of free time besides the duty to seek Ph.D positions, which is really time-consuming. This duty–teaching in an elementary school–seems not to be a too bad choice. I like the feeling of being needed and the call of commanding others. I recall this desire was satisfied when I was a teaching assistant in NCTU. But the environment NCTU provided me was too deplorable: two disgruntling coworkers and a snobby technician as well as a shabby underground workplace which had the risk of poison leaking . I felt the hellish purgatory every morning I stepped down the stair to teach the course. Furthermore, Laboratory is really not what I enjoy to teach; it is not my expertise at all.

 This is not the first time I made this kind of dreams. Another time I dreamt of being suggested to be a player. Still another time I dreamt of meeting a group of students of nursing department by taking a wrong bus. They were friendly greeting me and asked me some knowledge about Schrödinger’s equation. I knew I must be more specialized in it than them. I was very glad to enlighten them all I know about it. I am just such a person who is very ready to teach others my specialized knowledge. I think I like to be a teacher in my specialized area.   

 Recalling my telling the police officer I have no vocation, I felt that is really shameful. That kind of answer let me feel I seem to be assorted together with that man who took my bag though the police officer didn’t suspect me at all. (They checked that man’s bag just after confirming he took my bag but never tended to check mine.) How proud I am of my ability in theoretical physics. I often get the sense of achievement through getting some insights when studying it. I just lack a justified position to do it and brag to others. I can just study it in the dark without daring to tell others what I am doing. How strongly I desire to start to engage in a specific project for my Ph.D dissertation and belong to an ideal research group in which I have right fellows to consult or discuss these inspiring issues. I almost always meet some intriguing questions when I study it in the dark and there is nobody to discuss at all. Little did I imagine I devolve into such a wretched situation in which I look like belonging to the class of vagrants.

 My progress in looking for Ph. D programs keeps being delayed. I was often obsessed by studying some related knowledge. I always have the impulse to extend my ken so that I can understand better some research projects in some programs. Studying these knowledge really takes me a lot of time. I realize this can be attributed to my scarcity of knowledge of quantum field theory. On the other hand, I also lack a scholar who is versed in this field and can be consulted to give me rough ideas of some subfields or jargons. I am outside of school and all I can meet are laity. I have been too tired of this situation.

  Last night after eating in the supermarket-signboarded noodle shop and buying 6 red-bean cookies, I perceived my unwillingness to go home again, just like my motive of going to Eslite those days. I wanted to go to Eslite to wander my spirits again. I imagined how nice if there is a place besides the miserable home again. Perhaps I should not go to Eslite because my appearing there again may be too glaring after that event happened. But I didn’t know where else to go. I meditated it had almost been 11 days since that happened and it should be ok to go there. Furthermore I wanted to go to restroom then. Eslite is one of public places which has restrooms that time. That miserable home can’t even afford a well-functioned toilet. Though when I departed to eat, I felt bellyache due to my monthly and planned to go home right away after finishing eating, I felt better then and didn’t want to go home but wander. I think if that man really inflicted any loss on me, that is only bereaving my hangout. It is not so easy that I found Eslite offers some chairs which can be sat to study these materials so that I need not go home to study them after midnight. Since he is of the same caste as mine in the sense we both have no home nor vocation, he really should have not brought me trouble. On the contrary, we may help each other, for example, looking for warm watered public shower rooms together. I have no family nor buddy in this expansive desert. It is not easy to meet a person suffering the same as mine. I originally didn’t expect to report to the police. It was reported before I knew. If just upon being caught by the passersby, he was not swaggering but apologizing to me, he would not run into the trouble of being sent for enforcement. Though his initial swagger really scared me a little, when I realized he has neither vocation nor home and poorly wandered everywhere, I felt his situation is a little similar to mine and his behavior is forgivable. I am just better than him in that I have a sleeping place, where I can put my things, and the access to the internet as well as I keep a deposit from my previous hellish positions to support myself economically.

 Although larceny is considered publicly as unwarranted, when one is devolved into an economically desperate situation, who won’t steal? When I almost used up money in NCU, I also expected to pick up some money and indeed picked some few times. In the modern society, nobody can depend only on oneself. One can only depends on others by various ways, like scholarship, parents’ support, heritage, charity, donation, position, employment, etc. Most of people consider the latter two means are self-support ways. In my feeling, they are just  one kind of way of depending on others–a way the financier is willing to pay for what one does. Even you want to work, no matter what kind of work, there must be people willing to pay you emolument. Otherwise no matter how sedulous you work, you can’t earn your livelihood. When I was in Sinica, I studied hard and got pay but Alec can’t afford to guide my desired research projects, which imposed one of my  disadvantages. Then the contact was dissolved, but I still studied for long, and nobody can be consulted about the problems arisen from my study, which has been my loss, nor do I get any pay. I reviewed geometrical physics, solved LaTeX problem, wrote that book and two papers, but I got no pay at all. It is obviously the case in which though I work but nobody is willing to pay me, because there is no gainful position in Taiwan for people owning only master degree to work on the field of theoretical gravitation.

 Once upon arriving Eslite, I seemed to meet that security guard who went to the portico to take that man and I to their office. He was in the escalator entrance of the first floor to the underground. I swiftly progressed to the stair to the second floor, not sure if he saw me. I first went to the restroom, which has a new look after not visited for over 10 days. Each compartment has a drawn portrait of a woman and there are some scribbles on the corners of the wall and mirror. It seems to be an advertisement of some skin-protection product. There are some tags showing one can get one trail bag by taking a pink strip from those portraits and submitting it to some counter. I didn’t see a strip on the portraits I checked. After leaving the restroom, I went to that hall to check those advertisement leaflets to see if those at that man’s hand were there. I didn’t see them. Then I looked around to see where the monitor cameras are. I didn’t find any. That day the police asked the recording of the cameras from Eslite. I even didn’t know they put some cameras there. In the past, I didn’t notice one. I didn’t see any by deliberate searching this time, either. Perhaps they hid them somewhere. 

 I went to the seated area. I saw that glass box including the famous China picture for special sale disappeared. I picked up an art book about that picture to read. There were many literary sentences and I didn’t have patience to read word by word for a whole passage. I just skipped to read those which sound more interesting to me and mainly watched some pictures of contemporary life. I read about the start of Ching-Ming Festival and its original purpose. A picture of wretched hobos caught my eye. I didn’t read it for long. I actually felt tired. I went there just because I didn’t want to go home. But I really felt too tired to follow, so I quit soon. I went to the psychology area to browse. I checked the view outside the window but can’t recognize if that is the sidewalk I chased that day. I still felt too tired. Then I determined to leave there. Just when I was in the corridor surrounding the stair, I met that security guard again. I was just there to check the route we followed that day: that man and I seemed to follow two different routes to the stair from the chair. I saw that security guard from my side look. I immediately turned my head to look at him, and he also perceived this and turned his head to me, but I immediately turned away my head without having the eye contact with him. I left there soon then by stepping down the stair. At the outside portico and sidewalk, there were still many vendors there. I was thinking why that security guard went to the portico to take us up that day on the way home: did anybody inform him? Or he found it by himself by patrolling there? I went to 7-11 to buy two bottles of almond tea and finished one inside before going home. It was a cool day but  I can still use cold water to take a shower. The miserable home can’t even afford a warm shower. No wonder I prefer to wander outside. That day the police office checked my economic situation as well-to-do. Am I? I think even the poorest home in Taiwan can afford a warm shower. But why is this summer that short? It started so late, almost starting as late as June, but ends so early? I hope the weather can still become hot. Summer is my favorite season. I like the ardent sunshine. Today(Sep. 21) the weather let me conspicuously perceive the depressing air. I abhor this feeling. Let me pray again. I pray I can get permission to an ideal Ph.D program and leave this anguish-ridden place soon.   

 

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Outside the school are consummate deserts

 When I departed from Taipei City, I felt like entering a paradise, where there are buddies greeting me in my favorite academic atmosphere. I almost forgot all I suffered in Taipei during the period I was in that paradise. Little did I imagine I would get bogged down in this Taipei hell again after graduation. I relapsed to feel the baffling puzzle in getting a companion and get the vexing skin complaint. And this time the situation is even more adverse. This seems to be reasonable. Who would retrospect the anguish in the hell when they enter a paradise from a hell? Only when people in a hell would they picture the fabulousness of a paradise. 

 Taipei hell now is more barren than I was here before. When I was here before, I had Father and was in school. Father gave me the economical security, by which I could always settle my mind to study and prepare for exams without financial worries; this is one of a family’s senses. School provided me peers to share life and schoolwork; this nourishes my spirit. Now the both are scarce. Taipei now is literally a consummate desert. Based on the indifference of Taiwanese, I can’t expect to meet a buddy on the street without any connection. As commented by that Scottish man met in the chatroom, all those Taiwanese who, without any connection, would accost me are generally of deplorable quality and mannerlessness, not to mention to a peer, who is only available in school. His remarks are indeed correct according to my experience. When I was in Sinica, that Arabian camel-like man is the only Taiwanese man who accosted me and also asked for my contact information. When I asked him to set up Microsoft editing software for my computer, what he appeared to me is stark crude. My god, why does another Arabian camel stalk me after the old one was gone? I realize the old Arabian camel also accosted me without any connection. If it is not due to his stealing my books, I at any rate would not know him. He was undergraduate while I was postgraduate; we had no chance to take any course in the same class; his research field didn’t overlap much with mine, either. The new Arabian camel is even worse; to my surprise, he doesn’t have publication experience; furthermore, he seems to have a communication gap with me when we talk on MSN. An example recently, on Aug. 11 night, a man accosted me in Eslite Bookstore. That man is, as expected, never a genteel man, who I suspect to be the culprit of my losing my eraser pen, which I used since I wrote my master thesis.

 The desert now has desertified to  the level that even a practical oasis is not available. What can be the succor is only mirages, which are my dreams. Retrospecting the situation since graduation, I realized my world actually started to desertify then. First I lost the justified position to study theoretical physics. This is my biggest loss, which leads to all other losses. Gradually Commander is more and more indifferent to me and finally turned a complete cold face to me; I had never imagined he would treat me that way, especially when I lost the graduate student position and have no environment providing a new peer companion. Though afterwards I got several positions, all those were deplorable; their main purpose is to provide me finance. When in NCTU, the environment was so hellish both physically and socially that I need to take the old Arabian camel as my partner. When in Sinica, I was like being drowned by the inanimate environment; I can’t meet a buddy but scads of enemies in my office building so that I need to study in the physics institute to meet haphazard people.  I can’t expect to  acquire a good advisor to guide me to do research, some peers to discuss research issues, a congenial laboratory for me to study and submerge myself in an agreeable academic aura in either of them. Though after graduation, I had had some buddies, all of them didn’t contact with me anymore. It seems that keeping contact is very difficult. Once the common assigned environment disappears, the contact never lasts long. But the world is so spacious, so it is almost impossible to meet those old buddies naturally without a deliberate appointment. Plus, according to Taiwanese customs, people who are neither mannerless nor seniors would never talk with strangers. Therefore an ideal position seems to be the only source to provide buddies in addition to finance, atelier and research resource. When I was still in school, I never knew what is outside school is such a despairingly desolate desert.

 When in Sinica, I felt agonized many times due to the colleagueless and extremely inanimate environment. I realized deeply a place is attractive persistently can only be due to interesting people. The inanimate level of Sinica not only deprives my inherently gregarious need but also seriously affects  my work. There was not even a colleague to discuss or consult about work, research issues, and career prospect. Every day I was alone besides alone in the office building, and suffered the surfeit of forlornness on the way back after midnight. If it is not due to my staying in the physics institute, I would not have met even one buddy during all times of being there. How could a workplace be that way? Does Labor Regulation have compensation for workers in that kind of environment? I have left Sinica, an extremely infertile desert where even an ant can’t be alive. But I am still in a desert. The desert can only be animated by colonizing it with peers. Peers can be mustered by an ideal position. Having no peers for so long is really dismal. Ideal positions, appear to me! Professors, write recommendation letters for me to get the ideal position. Nester, hurry up to finish reviewing my papers to submit for publication to give me a hand to get the ideal position.  

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I desperately desire a companion

 Every time I wake up from dreams, I perceive the distress of my consciousness of being back to the reality. It seems only when being inside the dream can I enjoy the surroundings of people. In reality, I can’t anyway meet a buddy in this gigantic desert.

 The day before yesterday I read some articles describing some incredible ideas. “One is Why You Will Always Exist: Time Is ‘On Demand’”. Reality, which involves consciousness, depends on the observer; Space and time are simply mind’s tools for putting everything together. “There’s no way to remove the observer–us–from our perceptions of the world,” said Stephen Hawking.“The past, like the future, is indefinite and exists only as a spectrum of possibilities. You, the observer, collapse these possibilities, the cascade of events we call the universe, ” Our consciousness animates the universe like an old phonograph. Listening to it doesn’t alter the record, and depending on where the needle is placed, you hear a certain piece of music. This is what we call “now.” The songs before and after are the past and future. In like manner, you, your loved ones and friends (and sadly, the villains too) endure always. The record doesn’t go away. All nows exist simultaneously, although we can only listen to the songs one by one. Time is On Demand. A Theory of Everything can’t be accomplished until we know how to integrate consciousness with the universe.  

 Another article said the soul is related to the brain’s functions, which is only scientific field relevant to the soul. And another said the future can influence the past.

 Still Another is “Are Dreams An extension of Physical Reality?” During both dreams and waking hours, your mind collapses probability waves to generate a physical reality, replete with a functioning body. While dreams are associated with brain activity during sleep to be deemed as unreal, our waking hours aren’t deemed as unreal because they’re associated with the neural activity in our brain. Certainly, the bio-physical logic of consciousness—whether during a dream or waking hours—can always be traced backwards, whether to neurons or the Big Bang. But according to biocentrism, reality is a process that involves our consciousness. Whether awake or dreaming, you’re experiencing the same bio-physical process. True, they’re qualitatively different realities, but if you’re thinking and feeling, it’s real. Thus, René Descartes’ famous statement Cogito, ergo sum(“I think, therefore I am”).

 I feel these ideas are very philosophical. I almost can’t confirm if they belong to science. But if quantum mechanics is extended to the macroscopic world, these ideas seem to be what we should be directed to. The ultimate of Science is philosophy, which seems to be a little like the fundamental of physics is math.

 I don’t quite understand these ideas. It seems to mean what I perceive is just reality. But it also said what is in my hallucination is not reality. However it also said though dreams and what experienced during waking hours are qualitatively different realities, if I’m thinking and feeling, it’s real. I remember when I was a kid, I have contemplated if a view only appears when I see it. However very soon my feeling told me the negative answer.

 I really hate the solitary waking reality. When I am sleeping, I seem to enter another world, where people surround me. In the dream, I don’t remember the worry of seeking Ph.D programs in waking time; I am automatically in the campus surrounded by classmates to undertaking the school activities. I really miss the days of going to school. I don’t know what I can do outside school. How nice it is if those prosperous activities in my dreams are all real though on the other hand, I also actually desire to be admitted into a Ph.D program. Looking for Ph.D programs adapted to my research interests is really not an easy thing. There are not many up my alley. I always spent a lot of time reading those research profiles. I wish I get a companion who looks for similar Ph.D programs together with me and exchange ideas each other or I can get some clues for expediting my seeking. Several days ago I read SFB 647 and seem to have slightly deeper understanding of the role math plays in gravitational theories. Nonlinear differential equations and the geometrical structure of the manifold basing the wave function are indispensable components of quantum gravity. I have studied most contents of The Geometry of Physics by Theodore Frankel, the untouched parts being 14.3, Ch.21, Ch.22 as well as Ap. A,B,D and E. I progress a lot in the dark in acquiring related knowledge relevant to my planed field for my Ph.D study. I really desire to get the justified position to do these or enter the Ph.D program of planned field. Let me leave this place, where is my origin but doesn’t belong to me. And for the preparatory duration for departing, give me a person to exchange ideas and cheer up each other.

 With the arrival of my season and my month, my day will also befall. I recall the yesterday of 2005, Commander and I were preparing for going to Ilan full night without sleeping, arriving Ilan for the Child-Play Festival in late morning today, and playing water inside Water Park this moment. This night of 2005 we slept near the slab in Peace Mountain. Tomorrow of 2005 we went to take the boat for watching whales surrounding Turtle Island. The first time I took a boat was in Kaohsiung in 2005 Chinese Physics Annual Meeting; Commander was asked by me to the meeting; this is also our first time to travel across days; that time we just took a short-journey boat, only taking 10 dollars. The Turtle Island cruise was my taking boat of the second time. Commander got motion sickness that time; I knew he has this problem, but I really like to take a boat very much. Originally I expected that time we could go to Green Island, but due to his work schedule, he arranged to take me to Child-Play Festival. He said he will go to Green Island with me some day. Will he? Afterwards I went to Green Island alone after a conference held in Taitung University in January 2008. I couldn’t predict I still needed to travel alone after meeting him. He didn’t company me to Green Island, which is I kept wanting to go. Going to Green Island was my taking a boat of the third time, but he had left me alone. Where is his promise of never leaving me? Where is he now? Does he still remember this promise he said through the messenger? I think he wouldn’t.

 The last time Commander accompanied me for the day of tomorrow is going to Trash Mountain in 2006. That day I was occupied with my thesis for graduation. So he only ferried me to Trash Mountain in the night. He only companied me for my day for two times. In this two times, he gave me the gifts of taking me to two places he planned, Ilan Water Park for Child-Play Festival and Trash Mountain. But according to the information he left in his mobile phone, he seems to plan to company me for my day every year endlessly. Tomorrow I will experience another my-day alone since 2007. Where should I go to? I just checked the website and think I may probably go to Keelung. I don’t know whether I will go. But if I go, I wish I have a day as happy as possible. I want to spend my time in a watered place. I strongly crave for a companion to do this together with me. But who can I recourse to? A companion is just like my spiritual food; I don’t know where my companion is; I am spiritually starving now. When I am positionless and companionless, position and companion being the most important elements for my reality progression, my time seems to stop.

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